Not a Great Value

Wal-Mart and I are in a relationship.

He (I’ve decided Wal-Mart’s a “he” because I’m decidedly heterosexual and it would be awkward otherwise) provides me with a plethora of bath products, Tylenol, bubble vests, and, on occasion, new tires for Lucy. Oh, and he never runs out of Peanut M&M’s. And all for a low, low price.

He’s the perfect man, really.

My love for his Great Value products is well-documented. However, I did want to take a moment to let you in a little secret: not all Great Value/Equate products are worth buying. I know. Take a moment and contain your horror.  I’ll wait.

The following is a list of items that you’ll want to buy in the name-brand version. Buy Great Value canned goods, cleaners, pain relievers, and body wash, but know this: the Great Value/Equate version of these products just won’t work. Spend the extra.

1.  Soft DrinksBuy Coke products, not Dr. K, Dr. Thunder, or Dr. Oz. Wait, they don’t sell that there. That’s for sale on Channel 3. Oh, and while I’m at it, please, whatever you do, don’t bother with Pepsi. Smells like feet and tastes like Linberger. Cheese. Ugh. But that’s just me.

2. Kraft cheese slicesThe GV stuff doesn’t taste as good and doesn’t melt as well on a grilled cheese and bacon sandwich. Guess who, in my house, requests these on a recurring basis.

3. Little Debbie snack cakes Stick with what works. They aren’t that expensive to begin with.

4. Paper towels and toilet paperThere are some items you just need to be certain of, if you know what I mean.

5. Feminine hygiene productsYou’ll just have to trust me on this one.

You can now shop the Wal-Mart armed with knowledge. You can thank me later.

Inching closer to a tryptophan coma,


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