Again With the Licensing!

Awhile back, I let you in on my obsession with appropriate grammar. At that time, I mentioned that people who make signage should have to be licensed to do so, so as to avoid embarrassing themselves and/or causing me major trauma.

I still stand by that.

I would now like to add that I have  a newfound belief that newspaper editors should submit to some sort of licensing examination, as well. This new belief comes on the heels of my receiving an email from Big Daddy which contains the following headlines, ripped straight from the pages of actual newspapers.  I’ve included them below so that you can understand the rationale for this addition to my belief system.  I’ve attached my notes to each because sarcasm is my area of spiritual gifting.

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter  

Wondering if I should submit a timeline to the editor to show him how this statement works, time-wise.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says 

An expert, y’all. What that means, in layman’s terms, is that somebody got paid to tell somebody else this.  Heck, I’m thinking of becoming an expert, myself.

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers  

Guess it’s better than gunning them down. Is jaywalking such a major issue that we should take police from their gang/drug policing to run down jaywalkers? Or is this a cover for the police force’s “fitness program”? 

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over  

Do what? Is this a service which all vets provide? I’m not an animal person and don’t have alot of experience with vets, but sheesh!
 
Miners Refuse to Work after Death 

I always knew those miners were lazy. It’s probably the union that won’t allow it.
  
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant  

Is that the solution to child crime?  I wish I had known, back when I was teaching in the ‘hood.
 
War Dims Hope for Peace  

Really? Huh. Who knew?
 
 If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile 

The if-then statements always get me.

 
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures  
   

It’s almost like the temperature is directly connected to the weather front.  I’m not a meteorologist or anything. I’m just sayin’.

 
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide  

The British police are sharp. Maybe when they’re done investigating this homicide, they can come over and run down our jaywalkers.
 
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges  

Is that like duct tape?  Here in Tennessee, we always hold our bridges together with Gorilla Glue. Maybe I should tell them about it.
 
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge  

I’m thinking he is the charge. Is his name Ben Franklin?  

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group  

The first group wasn’t “large” enough?
   
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft  

Did my brother-in-law go to space recently without telling me?
 
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks  

Tastes like chicken. Watch out for the big ones, though. Heard they’re tough.
 
Local  High School Dropouts Cut in Half  

Did they flunk out of logging school, too?
 
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors  

Where is the land of the giant doctors?

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Huh. Didn’t see that one coming, did you?

These are the people, ladies and gentlemen, who write your newspaper. And at a 6th grade level, I might add.

It’s a sign of the apocalypse, I’m just certain. Certainly causes one to wonder at the accuracy of the content.

Preparing for the Second Coming,

AinW

P.S. I will reiterate my previous disclaimer. If you read these headlines and said to yourself, “I don’t see anything wrong!”, please do not let me know. The English teacher in me will grieve.  There will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. And I don’t look good in sackcloth.

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4 thoughts on “Again With the Licensing!

    • Hi, Laura,
      As a former English teacher, this is one thing that makes my skin crawl. Testing? Totally agreed. People should not be able to earn income or reproduce until they have proper grammar, I say. That’s just me, though.
      Best,
      AinW

      Like

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