Awhile back, I let you in on my obsession with appropriate grammar. At that time, I mentioned that people who make signage should have to be licensed to do so, so as to avoid embarrassing themselves and/or causing me major trauma.
I still stand by that.
I would now like to add that I have a newfound belief that newspaper editors should submit to some sort of licensing examination, as well. This new belief comes on the heels of my receiving an email from Big Daddy which contains the following headlines, ripped straight from the pages of actual newspapers. I’ve included them below so that you can understand the rationale for this addition to my belief system. I’ve attached my notes to each because sarcasm is my area of spiritual gifting.
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
Wondering if I should submit a timeline to the editor to show him how this statement works, time-wise.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
An expert, y’all. What that means, in layman’s terms, is that somebody got paid to tell somebody else this. Heck, I’m thinking of becoming an expert, myself.
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Guess it’s better than gunning them down. Is jaywalking such a major issue that we should take police from their gang/drug policing to run down jaywalkers? Or is this a cover for the police force’s “fitness program”?
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Do what? Is this a service which all vets provide? I’m not an animal person and don’t have alot of experience with vets, but sheesh!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
I always knew those miners were lazy. It’s probably the union that won’t allow it.
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Is that the solution to child crime? I wish I had known, back when I was teaching in the ‘hood.
War Dims Hope for Peace
Really? Huh. Who knew?
If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
The if-then statements always get me.
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
It’s almost like the temperature is directly connected to the weather front. I’m not a meteorologist or anything. I’m just sayin’.
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
The British police are sharp. Maybe when they’re done investigating this homicide, they can come over and run down our jaywalkers.
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Is that like duct tape? Here in Tennessee, we always hold our bridges together with Gorilla Glue. Maybe I should tell them about it.
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
I’m thinking he is the charge. Is his name Ben Franklin?
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
The first group wasn’t “large” enough?
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Did my brother-in-law go to space recently without telling me?
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Tastes like chicken. Watch out for the big ones, though. Heard they’re tough.
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Did they flunk out of logging school, too?
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Where is the land of the giant doctors?
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Huh. Didn’t see that one coming, did you?
These are the people, ladies and gentlemen, who write your newspaper. And at a 6th grade level, I might add.
It’s a sign of the apocalypse, I’m just certain. Certainly causes one to wonder at the accuracy of the content.
Preparing for the Second Coming,
P.S. I will reiterate my previous disclaimer. If you read these headlines and said to yourself, “I don’t see anything wrong!”, please do not let me know. The English teacher in me will grieve. There will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. And I don’t look good in sackcloth.